Damn. I’ve had everything so under control lately. I’ve been fine, just enjoying life, enjoying the sun and then suddenly my brain went…. well it just went.
I’m always worrying about everything, but as my first of university has ended, and that went far to fast for my liking, I’ve started thinking about what’s going to happen when I finish. Firstly, am I going to carry on studying drama? Probably not. I do love it and I’m blessed to be able to study something I love, but I don’t have the confidence or determination to carry on with it. Not like Anthony, but then again every roll he has auditioned for he has got, same as nearly every job, he’s good with people and he’s just.. talented and then there’s me, that get’s knocked back every time. I recently got turned down for a job I really wanted and I knew I could do well at, and of course I didn’t get it, but it’s really knocked my confidence. Anthony was the only reason I went for it, I haven’t put myself out there in such a long time and now I remember why. But I know he’ll want to carry on with drama, so I guess I’m going where ever he goes.. right? I want to, I don’t want to be away from him, I’m a lot more confident when I’m around him, but I should find something that I want to do, right? I want to be a wife, and a mother, but I’m not allowed to do that yet so I’ve got to find something to fill the time with until then.
I’ve never felt like a real grown up until today. I was sat there thinking about what I’m going to do for money when I leave university and I don’t get it for free anymore. I want to do well, I want to do well at… something. I have no idea what yet but I do. I don’t want to scrape by, I want to actually live my life, and what I’ve found with being a performer, musician as well as actor, is that you’re constantly working to try and make the next £100, well that’s my experience anyway.
How do people survive in this world? How do people make money doing something they love? Not many people do apparently. I think the only way I’m going to survive here is maybe not doing something I love but being with people I love. My parents, my brother, Amy and Oliver (best friend and godson) and Anthony, always with Anthony.
(Oh, my new picture, the point is for me having this blog is that I don’t keep something tucked away in my head, that I bare all. Not wanting to show my face I decided to show my two favourite parts of my body instead. My back and my hair.)
Anyway, the conclusion I have come to, as I write this to you, is that people do survive purely on the people they are surrounded by. Sometimes when I’m in town I just watch people (not in the creepy way), watch how they interact, how they laugh with each other. Today I have seen an elderly couple walking along the high street holding hands and laughing together, a boy that picked a flower for his mum and a group of young girls giggling because a boy smiled at them. All these people survive because they love others.
It’s quite a sweet realization really and it seems silly that I’ve never thought about it before.
I sincerely hope that you all have someone to love and that makes your life a better place just by being there. I know I do.